Friday, March 22, 2013

Gonna have to need...

"Mommy, I'm gonna have to need some help wiff dis." 

It makes me grin every time. Wouldn't it just be easier to just say, "Hey Mom, help!!" That's not what she says though. She phrases it so that her request sounds like she'd rather not ask for help, but sees no other way to accomplish her goal so, she's gonna have to need me.

I'm a lot like that. Sometimes my Man will come home from work, or from being away for a few days and say, "It seems like you could use a little break." Then the part of me that likes to pretend that I'm in a "SuperMom" contest answers quickly, "Absolutely not! I'm doing fine. Whatever makes you think that I need a break?"

Then depending on the level of crazy that my Man reads in my eyes, he will either say 1) "Okay, I was just checking." or 2) "What makes me think that you need a break is that you've been with the children and the dishes and the  laundry for about 643 straight hours and I've noticed that you are developing a slight tick when one of us says your name or when you hear the buzzer on the dryer." 

I hate response #2. I shouldn't because it is the response of a husband who is paying attention and who cares and who is seeking my best, however, it causes me think all sorts of things about myself. 

~God gave me a husband and children and a home to care for and I love what I've been called to do, and needing a break from that might mean that I don't love it all...enough. 
~My friends who have more responsibilities in life than I do NEVER talk about needing breaks from their lives, so why in the world would I need a break? 
~Aren't breaks for weak people who aren't tough enough to handle things?
~Really, Gretchen, is it that difficult to fold a load of towels? How terribly taxing is it so unload a dishwasher…some folks don't even have dishwashers and I'm SURE they aren't needing a break!
~Take a break? The kids are growing like I'm feeding them fertilizer and I'll miss so much if I take a break. I'm sure I'm supposed to be with them each and every minute so I don't miss anything.
~I haven't made it through my mental 'to do' list once this week so what exactly am I needing a break from?

…and on and on it goes. Until all of those self-defeating thoughts have made me even MORE in need of some space and some air and some inner silence. It turns out at those moments that though I may not want to, and though that nasty inner voice thinks otherwise…

I am gonna have to need a break.

We all know by now that the break I did not want to take soundly answers each objection that my self-chatter raised. A break makes me better at my job, it makes me enjoy my calling with fresh energy, it shines a light on just how weak I'd become while I was attempting to be too strong and mighty to stop and sit a spell. After a break, my 'to do list' is no big deal and neither is the buzzer on the dryer. 

I'm gonna have to need is a telling admission but at its core it's an honest one. Often, I'd rather endure a root canal than admit that I have a need, but I'm trying to learn that needing does not equal weakness. Instead, I'm beginning to wonder if admitting need may be somewhere on the road to maturity. 

Acknowledging that I have a need I am unable to meet on my own is difficult, but I'd never ever deny that anyone else in my own little world has needs with which they need assistance. Why am I surprised that I'm just like everyone else? (Perhaps that speaks to the maturity issue as well? Yikes!)

I sent my Man a text a few days ago which said in essence "I'm gonna have to need…" I was a little uncomfortable after I hit the SEND button, thinking that there was no time for him meet my need, thinking that he had much more important things to do, wishing I could un-send that text, thinking so many other things…but you know what happened? 

My need was met, my resentment over having the need in the first place was put to rest, and my Man was able to take the opportunity to be the hero on the white horse coming to my rescue. None of which would have happened if I'd still been competing in the "SuperMom" contest and denying that "I was gonna have to need…"

I love it when a friend calls me with a need that I can meet, a question I can answer, or a situation for which I can pray. If no one ever called, I'd never get to experience the joy and satisfaction of meeting needs. I'm understanding more and more that when I don't make a need known, I'm not allowing those around me to experience the same joy and satisfaction.

Can it be that I'm making the case for acting more like Molly?
 I'm gonna have to need to think about that one for a bit!!

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