Wednesday, April 11, 2012

10 Tips for Stealing Candy from Your Kids' Easter Baskets

It's a few days after Easter and my defenses are weakening. I can stand it no longer...those candy-filled baskets are callin' my name and it's high time to answer back. I can claim more than a few years of experience lightening the candy load from my children's Easter baskets and I thought I'd share my knowledge for those of you who may be newer at this than I.
  1. Become familiar with the basket, or as they say in the big house, case it, like jewel thieves do on TV. Know which kind of candy lives within each plastic egg. This knowledge is vital for stealth missions.
  2. Have a working knowledge of which child enjoys which candy the least. Begin by eating the least liked candy from each basket. If they don't relish the candy, they'll never miss it...probably.
  3. After the theft, hide any candy wrappers skillfully in the garbage so that they don't discover your  crime.
  4. If you get caught with a mouthful of sugar, run to the bathroom as if you are having a digestive emergency and finish your prize in peace. (Don't forget to lock the door behind you.)
  5. Be prepared to lie, but only if its for a Cadbury Creme Egg, don't soil your soul over ANYTHING less, it's just not worth it.
  6. Only pilfer a Peep if you feel your window of time will allow for the cleaning up of all of the sugar that will remain in the basket, on the table and most unavoidably on your face.
  7. The easiest candy to steal = jellybeans. No noisy wrappers, no crunchy chewing, and if your are already a bit full in the cheeks, you can hide them easily if taken in small quantities.
  8. My favorite candy to swipe this year has been the Mini Cadbury Creme Eggs. Other than the pesky foil wrapper, it's perfect. Small enough to eat in one bite and they pack lots of sweet goodness in their small size. AND because of their very small size, if you get caught eating one, you only have to tell a little white lie instead of the big one required for the full size Cadbury Egg. It's just a good all-around set up.
  9. If all else fails and you need a late afternoon sugar rush, put all children in time out on trumped up charges and pillage those baskets at your leisure.
  10. Finally, the classic: bide your time...wait until after bedtime and dig in!

A FEW FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS: If you become too skilled at candy thievery, you will most likely experience eventual guilt and may be tempted to replenish the candy in the baskets of your little angels.

Fight that urge.

By now, the Easter candy is no longer in the stores, it sold out yesterday when it was on sale for a quarter per bag. You will find yourself paying full price for three bags of candy which will equal the proverbial arm and leg, the same arm and leg that have increased in size substantially as a result of of all of that stolen Easter candy you've been eating and that's just way too much to pay.

Trust me, you and your little ones will be better off the moment all of that candy is out of your home. The end of the obsession is near.

If your children bring your candy crime into the light of day and confront you, do the right thing and blame your husband confess. You may or may not wish to include in your confession that you were only seeking their best interests by saving them from painful trips to the dentist and from a life-long addiction to Peeps (I know whereof I speak). You may also find it helpful to have all Scripture references dealing with forgiveness of one's fellow man at hand for quick reference.

That's it. That's all I know. Happy hunting!


**Please note: the author of this post realizes that lying is wrong and does not plan on getting caught and being forced to lie. The author of this post does not necessarily feel the same way about taking candy from children, however {wink}.

1 comment:

Sudeana said...

You crack me up, kinda like one of those eggs you heist ;)

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